Silvern
by Souriexx
Summary: After her parents have been exiled from Erudite based on wrongful accusations, Ivy only has one goal in mind: Revenge. She joins Dauntless to push the one person responsible for her misery out of the initiate's rankings and into her parents arms. While she finds a dark side of herself that she never knew existed, one particular leader keeps appearing in the strangest of moments.
1. Choices

**Chapter 1: Choices **__

_„You should choose what's best for you. And maybe that won't be here."_

I cannot stop repeating the words in my head again and again. The guy in the bed next to me shifts uneasily, groaning something in his sleep. I try not to listen. But when I'm not listening to my surroundings, I can still hear the gasps and the whispering from the ceremony.  
My head is spinning. I'm tired and exhausted and I want to go to sleep, but all I can think of is how irreversible my decision is and how this right here could be the end of everything – of the plan, of my career, of my family's honor.  
Breathe, I tell myself sternly, this is not the time to have a nervous breakdown.  
I let my eyes wander across the room once they have adjusted to the darkness in here. Three beds are empty. It's probably the guys who have made friends on the train already. Fools. If they're going to stay up on their first night, they'll have a disadvantage from day one. But _he_ isn't with them. I made sure to check.  
I continue my search throughout the dorm room. Is he in one of the top bunks? Or is he so far by the wall that the small strips of light don't even reach him?  
I try to turn ever so silently when my eyes finally fixate upon this remarkably blonde mess of hair. His eyes are closed, his breath is relaxed. As if to mock me, the one person I came here for chose the bunk right behind mine.  
Awesome.

-

The morning "alarm" isn't as much an actual alarm as it is an angry instructor banging some sort of metal against more metal.  
"Get up, get ready. Breakfast starts in half an hour, training is in an hour. Don't be late."  
The guy, I think his name is Four or something, turns around and leaves the room. All around me I hear growling and yawning. Nobody was really prepared for this. Including me. My head feels like it's about to explode. When was the last time I've been this sleep deprived and overall miserable? And why exactly did I think this was a good idea again?  
I get up and stretch when I hear the first initiates hitting the showers. I figure I'm probably going to be drenched in sweat in two hours anyways, so why bother?  
Reluctantly, I let my eyes wander again and check out the other initiates. There's far more guys than girls, but nevertheless, there are some. Only two guys are from Amity, if I remember correctly. They stand closely next to each other, holding hands, smiling at everybody. Their expression basically screams of fear for their own lives and I guess that they're probably right to feel this way. I probably should be feeling it, too.  
Instead, watching the others gives me a sense of calm. I like to know what I'm dealing with before I make any plans. If I can make any at all. I know my final goal and I won't let it out of sight, but scheming during the first few days might be a little bit hasty. I only have one chance at getting this right and I don't want to set myself up for failure right away.

The three guys who were still out last night look utterly smashed. One of them still holds his head, while the other just turned around to continue sleeping.

"I don't think I can even have solid foods right now," mumbles the third while he rubs his head with the T-shirt he has slept in. He's conventionally attractive with his dark hair, sharp features and toned muscles. I fixate on his abs. If everyone here is in such good shape already, I'm going to have a problem.  
"See anything you like?," asks a distant voice snapping me out of my thoughts.  
It's the third guy, the one whose abs I was just staring at. Damn. I'm going to have to step up my spying game if I don't want to be called out like this.  
"Not necessarily," I mumble, looking down at my feet as I start changing. Please let this conversation be over, please...  
"Charming. Name's Josh by the way," he says smiling and extends a hand at me. I hate people who drop parts of sentences. Does it make you any cooler omit the word "my"? Do the two seconds you've gained make you into some sort of superior human being? I decide that I don't like Josh's chatty attitude very much, but it would also be stupid to not play nice during the first few days. I seriously need to make some friends if I want to go through with this.  
"Ivy," I answer and shake his hand lazily in return. His palms are warm, his handshake is firm. When I look into his eyes I try to scan them for anything hostile, but there is nothing but warmth and a curiosity that's bordering on rudeness. Maybe he isn't so bad after all.  
"Hey, my cousin's girlfriend's name's Ivy too, that's awesome!"

"Yeah, it's a pretty common name actually," I retort lamely. I'm too tired for this.

"Well, let's see if you're the common type then. Wanna head out for breakfast?"  
I'm actually not even halfway done with my examination and I'd much rather stay in the safety of my own bunk bed and observe everyone from afar. On the other hand I can hardly imagine how anyone would consider that to be fearless and I need to start thinking like a Dauntless if I want to survive this.  
"Sure," I say and nod vaguely in his direction before taking one final look around the room. Before I even realize that I am looking for someone in particular, I already meet his dark eyes, glaring at me from across his bed. He has been watching me all along.

-

Breakfast is going alright, even better than I would have expected. I am not the shy type and I definitely don't have issues meeting new people, but I am usually also not the cheerful kind of person who starts chatting everyone up. I like to let others make the first step.  
Josh has gracefully introduced me to his crew. He and his friend are from Candor, while the third guy is from Erudite, as well as one of the girls who has come up and joined our group at the table. I swallow hard when I hear about them being from my old faction. Of course, Erudite has a lot of members and it is impossible to know everyone. I for sure have not seen their faces around. But that doesn't mean that they don't know me. Or my family.  
"That's so weird, I feel like your face is so familiar," exclaims Clara, the former Erudite girl. I try not to glare at her. _Just shut up and take a hint._

"What's your last name again?," she asks and props her head up coyly. Does she have a suspicion?  
"I didn't say, actually," I try to not to show how unsettling this conversation is for me, but I just end up sounding obnoxious.  
"Well, why wouldn't you?," asks Theo, the other guy from Erudite. Although he supposedly is part of Josh's crew, he seems to be awfully comfortable teaming up with Clara.  
"I just think that this is behind us. I don't want to talk about my family. I want to make this place and these people my family. Faction before blood and all...," I trail off, but it's working. While neither of them looks exactly satisfied with my answer and I surely won't be off the hook for long, the conversation is over for now.  
We are left with some time to get to know each other over breakfast muffins before people start moving. I realize that the point in time has come that I am absolutely not mentally prepared for: Training is about to start.

-

Some people are still slowly walking into the hall when Four builds himself up in front of the crowd and starts giving a speech.  
"Listen up, initiates. This year, there has been a lot of transfers. While we are happy to have you guys here, this also means you'll have to work a lot harder to prove yourselves. Dauntless doesn't have a space for just everybody. We can only keep you here if you show that you want to be here and that you belong here. Understood?"

I look around. Most faces clearly show that they have, in fact, not understood a single thing. I'm glad I did my research these past few weeks. I'm prepared for the bad news to come. For a few generations now, Dauntless hasn't kept all their initiates. They have some sort of ranking system. Once you're below a certain amount of points in score, they'll kick you out. But most people don't seem to know that yet. Most of them, except for one particular pair of eyes that I could easily single out in any type of crowd. He stares right back at me and I raise an eyebrow.

"What Four is trying to say is that you gotta be good to stay here. We'll train you separately from the Dauntless initiates and score your results. If you aren't good enough, you don't belong here," explains another guy, who just now steps forward. I haven't noticed him before, but I know him from my research: Eric Coulter, one of the leaders in Dauntless. I have seen him walk by our headquarters and meet with our leaders a few times in the past, but never have I stood this close to him.  
His angry face is striking and intimidating at the same time and I wonder if he ever loses any of his fights. His physique doesn't suggest so. The tattoos running down both sides of his neck look minimalistic and bold at the same time and his piercings glisten under the dim lights. I feel insanely attracted towards him immediately and I am not sure whether I like or despise that feeling. Either way, this is going to make training a lot more interesting.  
Four rolls his eyes at Eric's harsh tone and tries to calm the others down with some gibberish. I am not too worried about what is to come in the next few weeks. I might not score highest, but I've used our research tools back home to check the physical requirements most Dauntless trainees have to meet. If I stay on track I'll make it just fine. The true problem will hit me once we get to the psychological stuff.  
But I won't worry until then. Right now, I need to keep my mind on the plan. I came here with a mission, after all. Just when the thought passes and I find my determination to get moving in the direction the instructors are now going, somebody taps my shoulder. I turn around to find myself staring right into a set of dark, cruel eyes.  
"Hi, Ivy. It's been a while."

Hi everyone,

so glad you found my story! A few things before we properly get started (in a very compromised list because no one really likes these notes ;)):  
\- This story is going to start a little slow, but therefore I will be updating it very frequently in the beginning. I wrote fanfiction when I was younger and I always had the issue of running out of actual plot content and just having romance bits after a while. To avoid that, I will try and build a little backstory here. Bear with me!  
\- English isn't my first or second language. I am using this to improve on my writing flow, but please do tell me if I make a lot of stylistic/ idiomatic mistakes.  
\- Setting: The War and Tris both haven't happened (yet...?). I take the looks and most of the storyline from the movie version, but I also have the books in mind while writing so I might alternate between the versions a little.

Hope you all enjoyed & keep on reading! J


	2. Soreness and sourness

Hi everyone!  
Quick disclaimer (once again in a list to keep it as short as possible)  
\- Sorry for not updating in so long. The first time around I hit some issues with plotting which I hope to have fixed now, so I'll try to be updating semi-regularly from now on (need something to work on to keep me sane in these crazy days ;) )  
\- Once again: It will be a slow start. It definitely is an EricxOC based story, but I want to have an actual plot around it as well and build a semi-realistic character arch. Hope to pick up speed soon though.  
\- I might be changing the rating to M and might be introducing some LGBTQ* storylines as well. Both aren't decided yet, but if that makes you uncomfortable I wanted to "warn" you in advance to leave the choice of getting started with this story up to you. The M-rating would solely be happening because of explicit language/ mature content and not because of excessive violence/ abuse/ sexual abuse whatsoever.  
\- Last but not least: These are weird times we're living in. I'm a very lucky person who hasn't personally been affected by the virus too much except for some changes in plans and not really seeing anyone in a month, but I know that others are really going through a lot right now. If you are one of these people and need an open ear or some kind words, please always feel free to message me. Anonymous Internet stranger help might not be the best help out there, but it is a start and we all have to stick together when things get as tough as they are right now. My messages are always open & I sincerely hope you're all doing ok! 3 

**Chapter 2: Soreness and sourness **

I feel my expression going blank as I turn to fully look at him. I swallow down my feelings.  
"Hi, Toni."

"What are you doing here? You're not exactly the type of person I had expected to see_... in this place._"  
I can't help rolling my eyes. He is acting oh so innocent, but we both know exactly what he is playing at. I'm just not sure as to how he is feeling about this situation yet. Does he enjoy teasing me? Did he expect me to be here? Was it the obvious choice? Or does he feel uneasy, a little bit scared maybe?  
"Is that why you came here? Because you expected you wouldn't have to see me around?," I retort, kind of proud at how calm and relaxed my voice sounds. The others around us probably won't even realize how uncomfortable all of this is making me.  
"Are you kidding? It's always great to see some familiar faces. Maybe this will give us some time to actually bond, I think we never had those moments back home, did we?"  
_Asshole. _I'm trying to figure out a comeback, when somebody steps in our way, forcing us to stop.  
"If you guys wanted to chatter all day, maybe you should have chosen Amity. I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe both of you should have chosen differently all together – seems like you're still very attached to your old factions," Eric snarls. I look up at him. From this close his face looks even more frightening.  
"Do you wanna go back?," he asks, glaring at both of us. Once again, Toni is quicker to deny everything than I am. Eric just smirks, seemingly satisfied with himself, when he sees me hurrying to shake my head in response.  
"Good. We don't need anyone who isn't fully committed here. I'll keep an eye on you two. Don't mess up."  
With that, he shrugs and turns as if to physically end our conversation. I feel my knees getting weak. In all my planning and researching these past few weeks I have forgotten one important factor: When I'm around Toni, I feel like ripping his head off. It's like a deep-seated urge somewhere in the pit of my stomach. Rage is seeping through my veins the moment I see his face. Something animalistic that wants to get out. And it is so strong and ferocious that I have trouble concentrating or getting my mind straight. This training is going to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated.

-

They get us started on some running and other cardio exercises. I know that I don't necessarily suck, but I won't rank high with the Dauntless initiates. My lungs are burning and I can already feel my muscles getting sore while moving. In the Erudite buildings there are some gyms where you get your individualized training schedule. It's based on the most recent research and factors in a ton of things like your body type, age, metabolism, eating habits and such. The plan is not supposed to get you into shape, it's simply a suggestion by our leaders in order to keep us at optimal health.  
This thing that we are doing right now? That has nothing to do with the stupid plan. I can keep up, but I already feel like my own body weight is crushing every single muscle and nerve I possess. I cannot comprehend my joy when I realize that we are getting back to our starting point. This must mean that we're done running!  
As soon as Four even so much as mentions something of a break I leap towards my water bottle and gulp it down like somebody who's close to die from dehydration. I realize that it is probably not a good idea to fill up this quickly, but the cooling liquid feels like the only thing that is ever going to sooth the burning inside of my throat. I feel a pair of eyes on me and as I turn around to see who they belong to I look straight into Eric's face. He has this self-satisfied smirk on his face again and I am starting to wonder whether I actually find him attractive or whether he is just a cocky idiot who's enjoying his position of power a bit too much for my taste. I crook my head and put on the most over-the-top smile I can muster up. His expression doesn't change much although I think I see his pierced eyebrow raising up the tiniest bit.  
"Damn, why are you guys so good at this?," pants Josh with Marcus right beside him. He leans over, puts his hands above his knees and tries to restore some type of a regular breathing pattern. Clara and Theo join us and just as I would have figured, they both seem exhausted but not as overly done as the guys from Candor. I tell them about our gyms and they start moaning about how unfair it all is. The conversation quickly derails before Four calls us back to training.  
They show us some basic fight moves and make us practice. At first I struggle. The technique feels counterintuitive to me and my body still hasn't recovered from our cardio session. Time and time again I either miss the punching back or hit it in the wrong way.

-  
It seems like an eternity before they release us from their training dungeon. We basically sprint back to the dorm, everyone very intend on being the first to wash off the day's sweat. I crash into one of the girls I haven't spoken to yet, but we both shake it off, laugh at each other and then continue our race. I make it as one of the first ones and don't think too much about stripping out of my clothing.  
It isn't that I am necessarily comfortable with the lack of intimacy here. I would prefer secluded bathrooms over this solution any day. But my research is working in my favor here. I have made this plan long before they even prepared us for the aptitude test. I knew what I would do, how I would chose, how I would have to behave during my first days here, long before I jumped on that train. Now I am not as uncomfortable as I first was when I heard about the tough training conditions.  
I let the water hit my skin and wonder if it is even possible for your skin to get as sore as your muscles. Every single cell of my body hurts and not in that good way that all the Dauntless fitness fanatics seem to gush about. It's just a very simple, very real and very intense pain. I try not to whine too much as I get out of the shower when I realize that my newly found group of acquaintances is having a conversation near my bed. Near, but not beside. They're standing beside Toni's bed and they are, in fact, also talking to him. I feel my stomach dropping and try to change as quickly as I can.  
But I am too late. When I reach them, Clara is already turning triumphantly.  
"See? I knew that your face is familiar! You're that Steinem kid. Toni has told us all about it."  
"Has he now?," I ask and try to play dumb. Maybe even he wouldn't go so far as to ruin my career in Dauntless during the first 48 hours. But I got my hopes up too quickly. I realize it as soon as I look into Josh's faces. Where there has been a curious friendliness before there now is a confused distancing look in place.

"Your parents seriously did that? How messed up is that?," asks Marcus.  
_Do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. _  
I think about telling my side of the story, but I figure that it's useless. They wouldn't listen to me anyways. He got to them first and I'll just need to accept that. They won't believe me – nobody has.  
When I was still in Erudite, my parents had been working on a huge research project. It was one of the most promising fields and most of the faction's leaders had high hopes in them. The medicine they were developing was supposed to immediately cure physical exhaustion. Not just in the way that performance enhancement does, but in a way that would set you back to full power in minutes. Even after running someone down to the point of absolute exhaustion, one dose of their substance would have put that person right back to speed. It was revolutionary and it would have changed the efficiency of factions like Dauntless or Amity entirely. It would also have put my family in a position of immense power inside of the faction. People who did that kind of research usually weren't far from leadership.  
That was until one day Toni decided to break into my parents labs, steal their protocols and hand them over to our leaders. He was convinced that they had been using faulty methods in their research. After thorough checks it turned out that the substance my parents were developing was also turning the users sick. Our leaders and Toni claimed that my parents must have known about this. They accused them of voluntarily risking casualties in their search of power. I never believed a word of it and of course my parents tried to fight the ruling. But with no success.  
After long discussion and countless hasty nights between fighting and crying at home, the faction had made a decision: They officially exiled my parents, making them factionless. And all because of Toni. He must have tinkered with my parents' work back in the day and now he is tinkering with my life here. It gets too much and I can't take it.  
I storm off towards the dining hall, hoping to make new friends before he can poison everyone against me.  
_


	3. New Allies

Hello everyone!

So sorry that this took ages again, Corona changed a lot of things about my life and I was pretty busy adjusting over the past few months. Thanks so much for the new comments, favs and follows, I am super happy to get back to work on this one.  
This chapter is a bit longer because it felt more organic in terms of storytelling. Which length do you guys prefer?

Enjoy reading and stay safe!****

**Chapter 3: New Allies**

I hear the clicks of knives and forks before I reach the pit. My head feels dizzy and I can't catch my breath. I never would have thought that he'd actually go this far. Not this early in training anyways. Whatever I do from now on, I will always be _that _girl. The girl with the crazy parents. The girl who wanted to make a secret out of it. The girl who cannot be trusted.  
I'm wondering whether meeting a new group of people would even change things for me now. It would take Toni a day or two to get in between me and any possible friends or allies. While I might hate the idea, he isn't wrong to do so. It's actually rather clever and I would most likely do the same in his situation: If I am isolated I am automatically weaker than he is. I won't have partners who want me to succeed during training and I won't have friends to help me through the mental hardships of the coming weeks. He holds the winning cards in this case. But then again: How often can he try to actively interfere before he'll be known for being the gossip guy of the group? The one who can't be trusted? Maybe that could be my secret joker. If I push him beyond the limits of appropriate discretion, I might be able to defeat him with his own weapons.  
The hallway disappears in front of me and forms into the pit. Everywhere I look there's people in black, rows of tables with all kinds of food and drink, movement and sound. The place is brimming with energy and I can't help but smile. This is it. This is what the long hours in the gym will be worth. One day I'll be able to join this crowd and not question my place within it. I let my eyes wander, slowly scanning every face there is. Many of them are tattooed or pierced or both. Almost all are somewhat interesting. I remember the faces from the dining halls in Erudite. Intelligence might have been one trait, but cunningness was just as prevalent. You'd never know whom to trust. With the people here it looks like you might be more likely to get beat up, but at least you'll see it coming. I like that.  
My eyes fixate on one table in particular: A group of five muscular guys, all in their twenties, some laughing, some mumbling. They look like they could probably take out half an army on their own. And right in the middle of them is Eric. I cannot explain what it is about him but I think I'd find his face in any crowd in less than a minute. He isn't even that outstandingly pretty or attractive, although I obviously won't complain about seeing his face for a few weeks now. It's more that something about him just seems to be pulling all my attention, immediately. Maybe it is even more intense because I know very well that this should be the last thing I'm feeling. But I can't help it. And besides – a little crush tends to make everything more interesting anyways.  
All of a sudden Eric raises his head. As if he senses that someone is staring at him, his eyes dart right over and lock sight with mine. Shit, shit, shit. Swooning from afar is one thing, but having the other person realize is a deal I didn't necessarily want to sign up for. I begin to see how weird it must look for me to stand in the entranceway, alone, staring at people and not making any move at all. Definitely not the first impression I want to give off. Almost frantically my eyes start searching for another person in the uniform they handed to us this morning – I'd honestly sit with anyone right now if it could just save me from this situation. I don't even dare to look back at Eric. If he's still looking in my direction I think I might just turn around and run back into the dorms. But I won't. I'm in Dauntless now and I will have to start behaving accordingly.

Just as the thought passes I see a girl at the other end of the pit wearing the same clothes as me. She sits near a group but it doesn't look like they belong together. The girl keeps staring at her plate – maybe she is just as insecure as me? It's a tough start for everyone after all. Besides, she's my best choice for cover in either case. With one deep breath I start making my way towards her, more than a little cautious to avoid a certain table at all costs.  
"Hi, is this seat taken?"  
She looks up at me as if I were a ghost, but catches herself pretty quickly.  
"Um, sure! Sorry, let me just clean this up for you," she says, beginning to collect her fork and napkin frantically. So she _is _insecure. Somehow this is one of the most reassuring things I could have found out. It means I am not entirely alone after all.  
"Don't worry about it, I have to get some food first anyways. Do you want me to pick something up for you?" I try to offer her my nicest and most open smile, hoping she'll recognize that I am no threat to her at all.  
She shakes her head smiling shyly and muttering a little "Thank you." That's a start.  
I walk over to the pick-up area and try to decide on dinner. Dauntless has quite a few options and they all look pretty decent. I choose some type of potato dish with lentils, hoping it will give me some much needed fuel for the next day of training. My legs are burning even when I'm only standing still and although I know that it's not even that late yet I feel as exhausted as if I had pulled an all-nighter.  
Balancing the tray turns out to be harder than expected and I have a tough time not throwing my food over the ten people who are rushing towards me, seemingly taking no notice of the moving obstacle in their path. It's their way of moving around, this self-assured kind of mindset that just has you convinced that whoever or whatever is standing before you will scurry away if you look intimidating and determined enough.

"Sorry, that took a little longer than expected," I say, setting my food down with shaky hands, "Those people are absolutely ruthless."  
The girl turns around and presents me with a lopsided grin.  
"Those people are your people now!" She makes a dramatic gesture suggesting that she wants to draw all my attention to the important observation she just made. I laugh. I like her sense of humor.  
"I'm Izzy by the way," she says.  
I smile and answer: "Hi! My name's Ivy. You're absolutely saving me right now by the way, I was so lost over there."  
She shakes her head laughing.  
"You have no idea what you're saying, I've been sitting here all alone for at least half an hour now. Every single time someone sat down I was just _ter-ri-fied_ they'd try to talk to me and think I'm a weirdo."  
"You're doing quite a good job at hiding that," I say and wink. She acts overly shocked at my suggestion before she starts laughing again. Her entire aura is bright and friendly and for some reason I immediately feel as if I can trust her. Something in the way she presents herself seems so genuine and raw.  
As we continue our banter I learn that she's a transfer too. She'd been in Candor before but says that she'd probably rather shoot herself in the foot for several times before giving up on white lies, so staying was never really an option. She hasn't made any friends yet and feels a little overwhelmed with the work load so far – two points I can 100% relate to.  
"We could group up for training in the next few days. Maybe a consistent gym buddy helps us get better with our technique?," I suggest, feeling a little anxious that she might reject me. Luckily, she seems to be just as happy to have found a person to hold on to.  
"That's such a good idea, I feel like I really need someone who can keep my spirits up!"  
I feel the exhaustion setting in as I finish dinner, but I know it's still way too early to go to sleep – I'd wake up in the middle of the night and be even more tired tomorrow.

"What do you say, maybe we could go explore the gallery a little? See which stores they got around here?," I ask.

She beams at me, her curls jumping as she nods her head yes. This is exactly the type of excitement it needs to get me off the bench and moving.

As it turns out, these quarters have a lot more to offer than I initially thought. We've already come across the tattoo parlor, a hairdresser and several drinking spots and I doubt that we've even seen the half of it yet. Every little corner seems to be leading into another tiny hallway with more hidden gems – it's a labyrinth and I love it.  
Izzy is going through some black tops on a clothing rack, mindlessly fingering the different fabrics and mumbling comments on each one of them. For a second I have to imagine her in Erudite; in textile development. She would have done a fabulous job. Does she know how to sew?  
"So, Ivy, what's your thing?," she asks, stopping her little detour and facing me directly. None of her attitude has changed, yet the wording seems a bit peculiar. Does she have anything she _wants _me to talk about?

"What do you mean by that?," I ask, trying to find a loophole in case I need to defend myself. But she just shrugs.  
"I don't know, something that people always remember about you after meeting you. Like my thing for example is that I am a really good singer, but I couldn't pull off a proper performance if somebody put a gun to my head. So whenever I sing, the actual sound is good but the delivery sucks so bad that people laugh at me anyways."  
I feel relief washing through me. Most of this tension is all in my head after all – she doesn't mean any harm. And besides that, that was also the most fitting thing she could have put out there. Everything about this girl is somewhat refreshing and friendly. Maybe she's actually more Amity than anything.  
"That's sweet. You have to show me someday. As for me, honestly, I never really thought about it..." _and even if I did, it would most likely circle back to me having criminal parents and that's not the look I'm going for.  
_"She likes to just sit and stare at you creepily in the morning," a voice behind me says.  
I turn around and see Josh leaning against the wall. He's absolutely gorgeous with this confidence that seems to be oozing out of every single pore of his body and his hair still wet from the showers. I feel a sharp pain in my chest when I remember the scene I had just fled before meeting Izzy.  
"I think what you're doing right now is considered stalking," I say, trying to mask how insulted I feel. He has no right to know about that.  
"Would somebody be so kind and explain what's going on? I'm kind of lost here," Izzy says, stepping closer towards me. It feels like I got backup this time.  
"Hi! I'm Josh and I was kind of a jerk to your friend here earlier," he says, before turning towards me again. "Listen, Ivy. I'm sorry ok? It was news to me, I didn't expect that at all. I still reacted like an asshole and if you don't wanna talk to me that's fine. I understand. But I wanted to say that I'm sorry, because I am. It doesn't really matter what happened before this. We're all here now."  
I wasn't expecting _that._ Like, at all.  
On the one hand I don't feel like giving up on my pouting just yet. It hurt and it sure wasn't a show of great character. On the other hand I don't see myself in a position where I have many options of friends to choose from. I need every alliance I can possibly get. I swallow down my pride and nod a little.  
"Alright. Thank you, that was a nice move actually. Let's forget about it."  
Josh shows me his brightest smile and I can't resist smiling back a little.  
"How about you ladies and I go for a drink to make up?," he asks, eyeing the bar closest to us. I look over to Izzy, who seems to be on an entirely different planet – all of her attention is absorbed by Josh's face. _Great._ Now my only new friend is crushing on my not-so-sure-friend. He is ridiculously pretty though, I'll give her that.  
In an effort to keep everybody's spirits up I agree and watch Izzy jump up right next to Josh, asking all kinds of questions and basically clinging to every word he says. I fall back behind them a little and take the moment to just observe. Today has been so infinitely weird and emotional that I could not have predicted it even if I tried. And who knows? Maybe Josh coming back around is also a signal that the others aren't entirely lost for me. Maybe I overestimated Toni's power and influence after all. Maybe I am not thinking fearlessly enough for Dauntless yet.  
My thoughts come to an abrupt halt when I see a certain trainer in the entranceway of the bar. Izzy and Josh either don't notice him at all or ignore him successfully, but I can't overlook the judgmental glare he's shooting us as we come up next to him. Is he always in a bad mood? I try my best not to look him directly in the eye as we shove ourselves through the gap between him and the doorway. Just when I think we made it past the danger zone I feel a hand gripping my arm pretty roughly, forcing me to turn around.  
I face him, still with an inexplicably angry look plastered onto his face. The dim bar lights let his piercings glisten and cast dark shadows under his prominent jaw. This way he looks even more intimidating than before. And yet, I still feel an uncomfortably excited tingle where his hand meets my skin. I look up at him with what feels like the most deer-eyed expression possible and hate myself simultaneously for getting so shy when I am put on the spot.  
"You do realize that you are still in training, right?," he says, not even batting an eyelash when I try to wiggle my arm out of his hold. I just nod, dumbfounded by his intensity.  
"So you decide to go out partying on your first night of training? That's a very interesting choice."


	4. The first fight

Hi everyone!

Finding a semi-regular rhythm here, the next chapter is almost ready as well. I hope you enjoy it and I'd be so excited to hear what you think!

Stay safe :)

**Chapter 4: The first fight**

Even though I had wished for nothing more than to lay down and close my eyes, now that we're back in the dorms I am completely unable to fall asleep. My head is spinning and I am pretty sure it is not just because of that one drink I had. It's more anxiety than anything else. I can't stop imagining what the next few days will be like with Toni and the others. And I can't stop replaying the scene with Eric in my head. He sounded so hostile. My only chance at keeping the illusion of some Dauntless spirit was to head into the bar anyway, but I felt horrible about it the whole rest of the evening. Now I am almost sure that he will be taunting us for that move in training and I can't afford to lose many points this early during initiation.  
At least I don't seem to be alone with my sleeplessness. Everywhere in the dorm people are tossing and turning, groaning under the pain of sore muscles and bruises. These are going to be a few tough nights. Izzy's bed is pretty far from mine, but I am sure that she is isn't asleep either – even though it will be for entirely different reasons. She and Josh hit it off pretty well this night and when she asked me to accompany her to the restroom she told me how amazed she was by him, her eyes as big as plates and her cheeks glowing with an excited red tinge.  
They were very sweet, no doubt. But I will still have to watch my back. I need to solidify our separate bounds if I don't want to be kicked out of their circle just as quickly as they let me in. Then again, I doubt that Izzy would have it in her to be such a backstabbing jerk. It goes against all qualities she's been showing so far. Josh on the other hand...  
At some point my thoughts numb down and make room for my sleepiness. I keep drifting off, but get pulled back into a semi-awake state, then I have nightmares, then I wake up to some shooting type of pain. When somebody is hammering the metal pans against each other I feel more grateful than I have been in a long time. I couldn't even say how long I have actually been asleep.  
My head is pounding when I stand up, but other than that I feel surprisingly energized. Even my muscles don't hurt as bad as I had expected. I look around at the other sleepy initiates and meet Josh's smile in the crowd. How can a single person always be so... _shiny?_  
"Y'all wanna hit breakfast together?," a cheerful voice asks. Turning around I see Izzy beaming brightly at us, her curls forming a wild mess all around her head, like some impressive crown. Josh and I agree.  
As we start putting on our gym clothes we discuss last night and discuss our various hangover-related pains and aches. Maybe we're all exaggerating a little because even these two didn't really drink that much more than I did, but it is fun after all. It's like a bit of normalcy in between all these weird new tasks and faces and rules and it washes the doubts of the previous night off my mind. 

"We cut you some slack yesterday, but we will now be moving on to actual training," Four explains in a very matter-of-factly tone. I look over to Izzy who raises her eyebrows in disbelief. _That was "some slack"? _

"We'll be starting off with some regular exercises, but this afternoon will be our first fighting day. Which means that you'll be put against one another and ranked on your performance. Keep in mind that these rankings determine your future in Dauntless."  
"But no pressure," Josh mumbles besides me, causing both Izzy and me to break into laughter. It's absolutely ridiculous that they're putting on such a show with all their dark clothes and weird names and bad moods. As if being a happy person and doing a decent job in Dauntless were mutually exclusive.  
"Four, I'd like to call out the first pair actually. Since they seem to be enjoying themselves so tremendously, how about Josh and Ivy?"  
Eric has just lifted himself out of the shadows and shoots us a glare pretty similar to the one he had given us last night. My heart sinks into my stomach at the mention of my name. I am in no way ready or even close to prepared for such a fight and Josh is a head taller than me. It's almost entirely clear who's going to win this game.  
"I just thought I'd notify you guys in advance, so that you can fit it into your very busy schedule," Eric adds, this time looking at me in particular. His glare sends a shiver down my spine. So I had been right – he absolutely won't let us get away with ignoring his comment last night. _Asshole.  
_

The running part already has me pushing myself beyond my limits. Four is leading the group in a decisive and fast pace. I am happy to realize that I am the first girl keeping up, even some of the guys are falling behind. However, Toni keeps running two steps before me and no matter how much I ignore the banging pain in my chest, I can't seem to catch up with him. As training moves on to strength and stretching this seems to continue: He is always very close, both physically and in terms of his results, but still entirely out of reach.  
Izzy next to me breaks down during the 50th pushup and lies flat on her stomach, hastily gasping for air. I understand her completely – this is madness. Even if I came semi-prepared, this whole training schedule is inhumane. I see Eric striding along the line of exhausted initiates and hope that he'll hold back on commenting Izzy's behavior. She's trying her best. Luckily he seems to be too preoccupied with looking intimidating. He raises his pierced eyebrow at her but spares us the comment.  
Izzy curses as she tries to get back into her move, just in time for Four to announce that we can now take our lunch break and collect our remaining strength for this afternoon's fighting.  
"Do you guys wanna go have lunch together?," Josh suggests. I am happy that we seem to be growing into a little trio, but I can't really see myself getting any type of food down right now. I am way too nervous.  
"That's such a nice idea, but honestly I think I'll be preparing here for a bit. I don't want to make it too easy for you," I say, grimacing and punching the air in front of me. Izzy looks a little concerned at the mention of us fighting, but Josh just laughs it off.  
"You'll do just fine, I keep stumbling over my own feet anyways. If anything, I am scared of you."  
Luckily, they don't argue too much with me and get on their way – as does everybody else, except for Four and Eric who are standing bent over some sort of paper. Their discussion sounds pretty serious and I doubt that they're really taking their surroundings into account in this moment, but still: Their presence is a little awkward. Now I look like the one girl who doesn't have any friends to sit with during lunch.  
I try to push those feelings to the back of my head, collect my stuff and move over to the punching bags. After a few meager attempts I finally find a steady pace at which I can throw my punches. If I want to have at least a little bit of a fighting chance against Josh I'll need to get so used to these moves that I don't actually have to think about them. Left foot forward, left elbow out, right side swinging and hit. Jump back. Right foot forward, right elbow outward, left side swinging and hit. Jump back.  
"Don't tire yourself too much. You'll need some of that energy later."  
I stop in my movement and look over to see that the trainers have finished their discussion. Eric seems to be busying himself with putting the gym equipment back in place in no recognizable order, but Four stands only a few feet away from me. How long has he been watching me?  
"Yeah, thanks for the advice. I was just a little nervous. I guess."  
Well, that's a lame answer.  
Four smiles empathetically before his expression turns more serious.  
"I get where you're coming from, but that's not the right approach. You need to show some confidence, otherwise your opponent will have an easy game with you."  
I nod. Of course he's right, but it's not as easy as he makes it sound. Still, I appreciate his comments. Unlike his sadistic buddy he seems to actually want to see us succeed.

The gym starts filling back up rather quickly. I did take the break as Four advised, but I still didn't feel hungry or calm enough to head over to the pit, so I just kept stretching in the darker area of the training hall. Now I see Izzy coming towards me – or rather, I see a bopping curly mane jumping up and down. I realize that she is actually much smaller than I had assumed, it's just this massive amount of hair that enlarges her presence so much.  
"How are you feeling? It would have been more fun with you at lunch!"  
"You're so sweet, thank you. I won't miss it next time, but honestly, I was just kind of... besides myself. And anyways, don't pretend you didn't enjoy your alone time with Mr. Goldilocks over there."  
I try to make a suggestive movement, but she shuts me down immediately before rolling her eyes.  
"I wish. He introduced me to your little group of buddies instead. I think some of them were in my old faction actually. That guy Theo I think?"  
I feel my stomach drop as she mentions the group, but I can't think about them right now. I can't get out of my zone, so I try to get her attention off of them again.  
"Wasn't Josh in Candor as well?"  
"Yes, he actually told me that too, but I never saw him. I mean it's not that uncommon not to know everybody in Candor, we're not huge on the whole group thing. I guess that's what you get for always being honest, few friends and even less fun."  
She lets out an agitated sigh and I can't help but grin. She definitely _needed_ to get out of there.

Eric calls all of us towards the fighting ring he's standing in.  
I feel a little dizzy but I try to keep Four's words in mind: Show confidence, show no weakness. It's a mind game.  
"As I said previously, we'll be seeing Josh and Ivy first today. The rules are pretty simple, you fight until either one of you gets knocked out or wants to give up. You're allowed to use any moves you want but you can't leave the ring and you can't take breaks. You'll be ranked according to your technique as well but it's obviously most important whether you win or lose."  
_Obviously.  
_"You got this, Ivy. I'll have all my fingers crossed for you," whispers Izzy next to me. I look at her in surprise – I would have honestly kind of expected her to be rooting for her knight in shining armor. As if she could read my thoughts she crosses her arms and looks at me with some sort of earnest, almost accusatory stare.  
"He's pretty but us girls gotta stick together."  
I want to answer something grateful when Eric's voice cuts through the air once more.  
"Do you need a written invitation, inniates?"

I roll my eyes ever so slightly and move over to the ring. Josh looks extremely uncomfortable, which makes him even more likable. I'm pretty sure he knows that he has a good chance at beating me, but he isn't enjoying himself in the least. Not this born killer type of person that Eric seems to be expecting us to turn into.  
Eric takes a few steps back to remove himself from the ring. Somehow I feel like he keeps looking at me rather than Josh, but that might also be wishful thinking. Or my nerves. Or both. The group finds their places around the ring. I wonder if this will be our life for the coming days now: Will we be training in the morning and watching other people beat the life out of each other at noon? Or will we all start to ignore the fighting from day 3 onwards?  
"I don't think I can make myself very clear for you two. Please. Fight," Eric says with an acidic annoyance in his voice.  
And then, everything goes by incredibly quickly.  
Josh and I begin stalking around each other before he throws the first punch – a punch that gets me right in the stomach. All of a sudden I am very glad about the decision of not eating lunch today. Otherwise I would most likely be throwing up right now. I try breathing through the pain and approach him again. He looks unsure of what to do next, almost as if he feels sorry for hurting me. Which is an insecurity I can use. I move closer, panting dramatically and keeping a defensive posture, while he keeps his hands pretty low, away from his face. With one swift movement I jump at him and strike him across his temple. He stumbles backwards, a surprised expression forming on his face before he winces in pain.  
Now I get why he had been looking the way he did. It feels absolutely horrible to see him suffer because of my move. But I don't have much time to feel sorry about it all as he moves towards me quickly, tackling me to the ground and pining me down. He hits me straight in the face and for a second I lose all sense of orientation. The outer corners of my view start flickering and I feel something warm trickling from my lip.  
When he puts his hands to my neck I hear somebody clearing his throat. Eric.

"I told you to knock each other out, not to choke her to death. You aren't far enough in training to do this safely, knock it off."

_Glad he's so concerned about our safety.  
_I struggle to get him off of me but his weight is too much for me to lift. I can feel him cutting off the bloodstream to my legs and the more I move the sharper I feel his hipbone pushing into my muscle. I give it another go with my fists and hit him once or twice, but overall it doesn't seem to faze him very much. He wrestles my arms down and pins them on the mat on each side of my head before lifting himself up a little and then bringing down his knee on my solar plexus with full force. I feel the air being knocked out of me immediately and I know it's over. I lost. It's time to give up. Strategically speaking it can only get worse from here if I get any long-term injuries at this point. I try to communicate my surrender when his knee meets my ribcage, putting me into a kind of pain I hadn't even imagined possible before this. My sight starts leaving me, I still cannot get an ounce of air into my lungs and I start to panic. I shake my head frantically, my voice has left me entirely.  
Just when I mentally prepare myself to get another hit, I feel his weight lifting off of me. He understood. It's over. I officially lost my first fight.


	5. Sweet Face

Hello everyone,  
hope you're doing well. This chapter is even longer than the ones before, hope you don't mind. Which length do you prefer for single chapters? Shorter or longer?  
I hope you'll have fun reading this bit, I sure know I enjoyed writing. Have a good weekend!

**Chapter 5: Sweet Face**

"Can I do anything for you?," Izzy asks with a slight panic in her voice.

I sit crouched over in some corner, still struggling to breathe and entirely unable to communicate. The other initiates are already moving on to their individual training, Four has taken Josh aside to discuss strategy with him. I feel bad for holding Izzy back, but I cannot even bring out the words to say so. Adrenaline is still pumping through my veins.  
"I didn't see you fighting over there, so I don't really know why you aren't doing your training right now, initiate."

"We were supposed to be training together, I just thought somebody should be looking after her and..."  
"I'll check if she's ok. You can go train with Josh or join another couple. Move."  
My sight is still too blurry to see exactly what's going on, but Izzy seems to be walking away reluctantly so that there's place for another person to stand in front of me: Eric, judging from the conversation.  
"That was pathetic."  
_Gee, thanks. Don't spare my feelings or anything.  
_"You didn't even last a whole three minutes."  
I try to look up at where I think his face must be, but even the slight movement makes it harder to breathe. The panicked feeling spikes up again and I feel blood dripping from my lip. I close my eyes and focus all my remaining energy on not suffocating. I'll deal with his cockiness later.  
I hear him mumbling some cusses before the air besides me moves. The next moment I feel his hand on my back. He must be cowering besides me.  
"Hey. Ivy. Open your eyes. Come on, open your eyes. Come on."  
He taps my back repeatedly, but everything feels numb and I am extremely tired. Maybe if I just don't move I can stay in my head for a bit and he'll go away.  
"Ivy. Ivy, you gotta look at me right now."  
He won't go away, huh? I try my hardest to face him, but I have almost no control over my muscles anymore. Every part of me feels as if it weighs a ton. I open my eyes very slowly, still panting. It's incredibly uncomfortable to look at him from this position. Please just let this be over soon.  
"Good. Listen to me. You're hyperventilating. It's the shock. This isn't as bad as it feels. You have to breathe."  
No kidding? I just have to breathe?  
"Hey." His tone is so much softer than before and from everything I can see through the weird visual flickers his expression matches his voice. Is he actually worried about me right now? Should _I _be worried about me right now?  
"Hey. You need to calm down. Do you feel my hand? You have to push the air there, ok? Nice and slow. Come on."  
Could somebody please explain to this man that his hand is actually definitely contributing to me not being able to breathe? What happened to mean Eric who wanted to see my face get smashed on the first day of fights? That seems like the preferable person in this very moment. Nevertheless, I try to follow his orders. It hurts like hell. Actually, this is probably what hell is like. Every single breath I take feels like I have to tear the sides of my body apart from each other. But it works. After a few deep breathes I can finally see again. My panic slowly leaves with every exhaling motion I make and my head stops spinning, only to be filled with a very sharp ache. When I am settled back into my actual pace I feel him taking his hand off of me and standing up in front of me.  
I glance up at him and realize that I must seem like a weak weirdo once more. Why do I always find myself in these positions that make it entirely impossible to seem in any way impressive? For all it's worth, at least he doesn't look as mean anymore.  
"Thank you," I say, my throat so dry that I have a coughing fit immediately afterwards. He rolls his eyes at me.  
"I'm doing my job here."  
I might want to walk back on my "not so mean anymore"-statement. Actually, he annoys me even more than before. It was him who put me in this position after all. If he hadn't been so bitchy about me having a drink with my friends last night I sure wouldn't have volunteered to go into the ring today and I would not be lying here with a lower ranking, like some kid that needs his pity.  
I jump up to my feet when he turns around to start walking away from me.  
"If you love doing your job so much, then why don't you explain to me how I can get better instead of insulting me?," I snap. He stops in his stride and glares over his shoulder.  
"What did you just say to me?" Oh shit. Maybe I did go a little too far with this one. But now it's too late to back off again. I straighten my back and push out my chest to seem more self-assured.  
"I said that I think you should be explaining what I did wrong instead of calling me pathetic."  
He now turns around fully, taking only two steps until he comes up dangerously close in front of me. His eyes are basically glowing with anger and any softness I'd seen before seems to have left his face entirely.  
"It is my job to keep you alive. It is not my job to make sure you stay in line with training. Or that you listen to us when we explain things to you. Or that you don't spend your nights out partying when you know you have work to do."

"I was not _partying, _I had _one _drink with friends I just made. I am very sorry to break it to you, but not everyone grew up with knife-throwing madmen around them. I actually have to find a group here."  
"In case you are playing at the fact that you're a poor transfer, that was your choice and I am starting to doubt you made the right one for yourself. We're not here to roll out the red carpet in front of you. And, not that I need to justify myself, but I was a transfer too. And I still did better than you from day one."  
_Shit_. _I knew that._ I spent weeks before initiation day researching this faction like a crazy person. I knew he transferred, from Erudite no less. Why do I let him get under my skin like this? But then again, did I get under his skin as well? After all he really didn't need to share that detail right now.  
"This is your last warning Ivy. I won't tolerate you acting all tough if you can't prove you got it together in the ring. This is not how things work here. You don't get special treatment. You've got to work on your footwork, that was too slow. You're too indecisive. You have zero muscle strength. You give up way too easily. You had no strategy whatsoever heading in there. And your entire line of movement was off. I really don't know what to say to you. You just got to do better, this isn't enough by any means. A sweet face won't save you from consequences."  
And with that, he actually leaves.

The rest of the day trickles away and I am more than relieved when they finally let us go over to the dining hall. I consider showering beforehand, but I am just too exhausted to even care about making the detour. Izzy comes up next to me, still chugging the last remains of the smoothie she brought from lunch.  
"What on earth was that?," she asks, her eyes opened even wider than before.  
"What do you mean?" I'm tired and my head still hurts, so I'm in no mood for any guessing games.  
"With Eric? He was so pissed, but then I saw him touch you, but then he looked pissed again? What was that all about?"  
I feel my blood beginning to boil again. The entire afternoon I haven't been able to stop thinking about our conversation. He made me so insanely mad. How can a person that you know basically nothing about be so annoying on a personal level? But then again I can't stop thinking about the "sweet face" comment either. Or about the butterflies that I feel in my stomach when I think about that. I wonder whether I can trust Izzy with stuff like this. So far I wouldn't think she would be the gossipy type of person. It might also be a pretty good test to see if I could trust her with more serious things if I ever need to. I hate that my mind is working this way now, but I also can't deny the fact that I have worse secrets than a little crush on a trainer.  
"Yeah, he was helping me to calm down. That was actually pretty nice of him. But then I asked him for advice and he kind of just jumped at me."  
"Kind of? I was scared and I wasn't even near you guys!"  
"I know, he's pretty intense. But honestly? It's kind of embarrassing, but he isn't so bad, is he?"  
"WHAT? What do you mean?," Izzy asks, basically screaming at me and stopping in her way, causing the person behind her to stumble and curse at her. I roll my eyes. _Very subtle, Izzy._  
"Not so loud! For heaven's sake, I want to tell you, not the whole compound."  
She raises her hands defensively and makes a motion as if she were zipping her lips with an invisible zipper. I grin and shake my head.  
"I don't know. I just think he's got something about him. Like... I kind of want to see what it takes for him not to be a mean asshole. If that's possible at all. And you can't deny the fact that he's pretty good-looking."  
She shakes her head in disbelief, as if I just explained that I have a third arm tucked away under my gym shirt. Then she starts giggling, first nervously and then hysterically. I try to make her say what's so funny about all of this, but it takes a solid two minutes before she can even catch her breath enough to speak.  
"It's just... I thought I was fucked because I started crushing on another initiate. But you're screwed on a whole other level, dear." 

At dinner we're joined by Josh again, shortly before the old group comes towards our table. I try to look away when I realize that Toni is with them. It is one thing that they just brushed me off, but a whole other thing for them to bring him here. Do they want to gloat? Am I supposed to leave? Because if they expect me to give up without a fight, they are as wrong as they could be.  
"I think it's time to bury the hatchet," Josh proclaims with a tone of dramatic grandeur before flopping down into his seat next to me and sprawling his arms out over the table. As if he were inviting us to some sort of negotiation during a banquet. And maybe that's exactly what he's doing.  
"I don't know Josh, this kind of seems like awkward timing," I mumble, trying not to look all too mortified. I am sure not going to set myself up to get picked on day and night, training is stressful and exhausting enough as it is. Izzy shifts uneasily, her eyes darting from mine to Josh's face within seconds.  
"Oh come on! We had _one _little fight and we all overreacted a bit but that can't be a reason to stay apart forever. We need each other here, look at how easily they tore us apart in training today."  
To be honest, I don't appreciate how Josh thinks he could determine whether I overreacted or not. Because I didn't. It hurt. I reacted accordingly. But on the other hand, he isn't entirely wrong about us needing each other either. Today was the consequence of Eric being in a tolerably bad mood. If we ever were to really have a target on our backs we'd need all the help we could possibly get.  
"Well I guess it's up to Toni, really. I wouldn't want to _assume anything_," I say, well aware of how childish my last spat must sound. I don't mind. The only reason I am stuck in this hole with bruises all over my body is him, after all. He looks at me, but the expression on his face stays frustratingly indifferent. As if he had nothing to say about this, as if it didn't matter to him at all. But I know it does. I know he's also struggling to keep his cool at this very moment. If only I could make Josh and the rest see that.  
"Honestly, let's not pretend stuff – I am pretty sure we won't become best friends. But these guys didn't stop talking about how sorry they were and I am too tired to keep this thing going, so if we just steer clear of each other we will be fine."  
I _hate _that he can make all of that sound so cool and rational. Nonchalant even. But now is not the time to get bitchy. He made an offer and even though I am sure that it comes with a lot of subtext and hidden consequences I am in no position to decline right now. I press my lips together and hope they resemble some form of smile before I nod.

"That does sound like a plan to me."  
He grins triumphantly while the rest of the group cheer and settle down for our shared dinner. Izzy squeezes my hand and beams at me. Suddenly I feel bad for not even considering her before. It must be awkward as hell to be the only friend to the girl who already made enemies. Especially with her crush on Josh. I make the silent resolution to be more considerate with her and to stop doubting her so constantly. She really does want what's best for me when she says so.

After dinner the group decides to go on a little shopping spree. The atmosphere is relaxed and overall we found back into our grove pretty quickly. As it turns out, Theo and Clara were mostly just latching onto Toni because the opportunity had offered itself but they don't seem to have an actual problem with me. As far as Marcus is concerned I am not entirely sure. He still seems a little shady to me, but that might also be because we just don't have anything in common. At all. I don't find him very likable.  
"Guys, I'd love to join you, but I will head back to the gym I think. I got pretty scared today in the ring and I don't want to go through that next time I have to fight," I say, leaning back against the table while the rest of them marches forward. Izzy turns around, her forehead wrinkled with concern.

"Ivy, it's completely normal to not get everything right the first time around. Don't beat yourself up about it. And besides, after that workout I doubt that you'd benefit from any more exercise. You'd probably hurt yourself."  
A few agree with her, the others don't really seem to notice. Toni just looks me up and down but doesn't comment. Better on him.  
"I promise I'll be careful but I need to get this out of my system, Izzy. I just don't feel comfortable with how I left things."  
Izzy isn't convinced, but Josh seems to understand. He mumbles something to her and places a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to guide her away. She rolls her eyes at him but ultimately agrees to move on. _Oh the power of pretty eyes._  
"Be careful, ok?" 

As soon as I leave the pit behind me I feel the tension leaving my body. The thing is, I might have pledged to be more considerate with Izzy, but I also have a plan to follow. And that plan required me to deliver an entire performance and lie to her. Of course I am not going back to the gym, even though I take the same route. If anyone were to follow me or check up on me through the camera system for whatever reason, I'd have plausible deniability. What I am really trying to do is create a mental map of the compound. Or, more specifically, of the cameras.  
When I was researching the Dauntless buildings back in Erudite I couldn't access these sets of data, no matter how hard and often I tried to hack into the system. But this information is absolutely crucial for me. I need to find a way to escape the hallway labyrinths, either entirely unseen or through a pathway that's so regularly used that my exit won't stir up any suspicions.

Generally we aren't bound to stay in place and I saw many people in the typical black jackets out and about town when I wasn't an initiate yet. Still. If somebody were to find out about my future _excursions _and asked me what I was doing I'd be in a lot of trouble. After all, I am planning on visiting my factionless parents to report on my progress of kicking out another initiate. That sounds not only like a reason for expulsion but for execution. Or for a doctor to diagnose me with all sorts of mental issues. Maybe a mix of both.  
I try to look as uninterested and busy as possible when a group of older Dauntless members walks past me. They keep mumbling and laughing, clearly not noticing that I am starting to silently follow them. As long as I know how to get back to the pit I will be safe. I can always act like I got lost if somebody dares to question me.

I feel my heartrate speeding up when one of them turns around and glares at me for more than a second. Is he suspecting anything? Is he going to tell his buddies? But then, he turns back quickly and joins the conversation again. Clearly he doesn't worry about me too much. It must be my nerves. Bad conscience makes you see things that never existed in the first place.

I wonder if maybe I should just be blunt and ask somebody where I could go to get some air. I could pretend that I want to go running – after all, I'm still wearing my gym clothes. Just when the thought crosses my mind, the wall right next to me disappears and introduces a bigger room, kind of like the belly of the hallway system. On the other side I see an iron door pushed open, with people streaming in and out. This is it. This is going to be my route over the next few weeks. Relief washes through me.  
I press my back against the wall and try to check the corners without looking weird. This place seems fairly open and unrestricted, but it won't hurt to be aware of the cameras anyways. I spot three on the right side, two on the left and one basically right above the spot where I am standing right now. It makes sense that they would watch a place like this closer than others – probably more to protect us from what's outside than vice versa but you can never be sure. Either way, I am not a fan of the whole 360 surveillance scheme.  
I want to double check my right side again when I notice a figure leaning in the shadows a few steps away from me. As my eyes start adjusting to the lower lights I recognize the slender frame immediately and feel the anxiety rushing through me: It's Toni. He must have followed me somehow, but none of the others are with him. I wonder what on earth I am supposed to do now. Technically speaking he hasn't caught me doing anything wrong, but the same goes for him. Yet we're both aware that we didn't want the other person to see us. In the end it is him who breaks the awkward silence.  
"Already looking for an escape plan?"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Don't worry. Just because you lost one fight doesn't mean you have to give up right away. Although, if that's what you want to do, I won't stop you by any means. You have my full support even."  
He puts his hands in his pockets, starts humming some faint melody, turns and leaves. And with that, he's said everything he needed to say without using the actual words – he's onto me. _Fuck._


End file.
